I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
