Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
