i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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