if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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