so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
