Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
