A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
