So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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