and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just found puke in my bra..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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