you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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