If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
