you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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