He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
