Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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