i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
