Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize