So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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