mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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