i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
