Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
All the doctor said was why
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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