I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
