I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
