Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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