It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He better not be in your backpack
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
