TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
