My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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