I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
