We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
