i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize