i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
