I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
