Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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