I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I didn't notice because vodka
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
