Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize