All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
