do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
