So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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