I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
