I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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