My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
