Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
