If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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