Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize