I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
