Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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