I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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