he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
