she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize