The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I cannot find my penis.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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