Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
