a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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