Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
