yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
