Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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