once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
