I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
