youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
