1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
