The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
