dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
