What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
