every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
