I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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