so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
