Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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