You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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