so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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