Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
