My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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