Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
