How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
