i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
