Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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