Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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