You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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